Countless interested readers from my horde of fan (can one fan make a horde? Well, if he is a science fiction reader, overweight and very loud, yes) writes in with a question:
FAN: Please, please allow me to come home again, son! You know they perform medical experiments on us here at this cheapass Rest Home where you locked me up, don’t you? It’s run by the mob. I’m your mother, for God’s sake!
ANSWER: Oops. Sorry. Wrong letter. Trying again.
FAN: Now that the caucuses seem to favor McCain as a front-runner for the Republicans, and since many conservatives in the base are alienated from McCain due to his position on Border Control and Campaign Finance Reform, do you foresee a rupture in the GOP that will aid Hillary Clinton in her Presidential bid? Or, are there enough independent swing voters who will vote for McCain to allow for a GOP victory even if disgruntled conservatives have a low turn out at the polls?
ANSWER: The question assumes McCain will win the Republican nomination, and Hillary Clinton the Democrat nomination, which is far from certain at this point. Instead of addressing the question directly, I would like to talk about what is more certain. I will be voting for Solomon Kane, Puritan Adventurer as a write-in candidate.
No doubt the normal reader of a “John C. Wright” article is wondering at this point: “Gee, I feel like a snack. I wonder if there are any leftovers in the fridge. How about some cheese?” All I can say is, stop wondering, and pay attention here.
Readers who are here by mistake, not my normal readership, might be wondering as follows:
You: “Mr. Wright, while we stand in awe of your intellectual prowess, certain difficulties would seem, at first glance, to be a roadblock to having Solomon Kane, Puritan Adventurer be a presidential write-in candidate for the upcoming election. First, he lived in the Sixteenth Century. Second, he is an Englishman, not an American, and therefore cannot run for President. Third, he is a fictional and imaginary made-up make-believe character from the pulp magazines, invented by Robert E. Howard. That means, if we were to rate candidates for public office, instead of by Left and Right, on a spectrum where more-real was on one side, and not-so-real on the other, Solomon Kane is lodged somewhere between the Grey Lensman and The Shadow. He is more real than James Norcross the Superpresident, but, alas, less real than Santa Clause, who at least was originally based on Nicholas of Bremen.”
My response: OH MY GOSH, I cannot believe you know who James Norcross, the Superpresident is. Man, that was one obscure TV toon. It was on for like, what, one season in 1964? In any case, your whole argument is too difficult for me to answer, because it makes sense. Instead, I will reply by saying not being a real person has never prevented other fictional characters from standing for public office! Lex Luthor bought his way into the presidency with his ill-gotten gains from his supercrimes, and Philip Nolan Voight was elected by telepathically influencing voters, and President Deutscher became president only because a clumsy time traveler stepped on a butterfly during a dinosaur hunt. Greg Stillson would have become president, but, being a conservative Christian, he would have gone crazy and caused a thermonuclear Armageddon, but fortunately his lunatic ambitions are halted by an assassination attempt by a psychic, presumably not a Republican. Let us not even talk about Mr. Thompson, the collectivist Head of State in ATLAS SHRUGGED, or President Berzelius “Buzz” Windrip the fascist in IT CAN’T HAPPEN HERE. If all these guys, who are walking epitomes of evil, can be elected President, so can Solomon Kane, Puritan Adventurer!
You: “Hold it a sec! Greg Stillson, power-mad Christian, does not count. The DEAD ZONE guy stops him from being president to begin with, right? He is not actually ever president. The psychic dude played by Christopher Walken goes to try to shoot him, and…”
Me: My point exactly! People with psychic powers should always go assassinate political figures, because we KNOW the demons who give you your visions are accurate and reliable, right? Of course right. The moral of the story is: shoot first, shoot early, shoot often. Not just psychics, but also people who have nightmares, hear voices in their heads, or just get hunches.
You: “Wait a sec. What in the world does that have to do with Solomon Kane?”
Me: Excellent question! Solomon Kane shoots people! And winged bat-things from the terror-haunted hills of darkest Africa, as well as remorseless non-material eldritch death-clouds from primordial mausoleums, vampire monsters from the elder world, deathless queens from sunken Atlantis, Spanish Dons, pirates, cutthroats, Arab slavers, blood-drinking ghosts who linger near gallows tree beneath haunted moons ….
You: “Dang. He shoots a lot of people”.
Me: Not so many. Those flintlocks are strictly one-shot deals, and not so accurate. Usually he stabs them to death with his trusty blade of Toledo steel. He fights with a cool and iron nerve, without flourish, but relentlessly as Judgment Day itself, while his eyes burn like a volcano seen beneath a mile of icy glacier. Look at those eyes! Those remorseless eyes!
You: Hold it! That is not Solomon Kane! That is Lamont Cranston, The Shadow!
Me: Oh, sorry. (Sheesh! Like they are not supposed to be the same immortal being hunted by Duncan MacLeod or something. As if. The even dress the same.)
You: “Solomon Kane has a buckle on his hat! He fights with a sword! The Shadow uses a pair a .45 automatics and he can cloud men’s minds!”
Me: Picky, picky. Well, here is real picture of Solomon Kane, Puritan Adventurer.
You: “That’s not Solomon Kane! That’s Vampire Hunter D!”
Me: What d’ya mean? You can see the sword he fights with. You said he used a sword.
You: “It SAYS Vampire Hunter D right on the picture!”
You: “So you are voting for this guy…. Why, again, exactly?”
Me: He is a humorless and dour Puritan fanatic prone to acts of violence, who regards himself as the instrument of divine vengeance, and therefore he wades through torrents of blood, sometimes going insane, in order to work a terrifying retribution on evildoers.
You: “Dour fanatic! Divine vengeance! Torrents of blood! Why does that make him a good candidate for President?”
Me: I thought that was what Christian Family Values stood for. That’s why I started going to chapel. When do the Autos de Fe start again? I wanna see the heretics burn, baby.
You: “Wait. Where did you get your idea that this is what Christians do in church?”
Me: From movies like DEAD ZONE (see above). Christopher Hitchens would not lie or exaggerate, would he? Noam Chomsky said that during the Spanish Inquisition, the Christians killed forty-four hundred trillion people, including the entire population, not just of this planet, but the Milky Way and Andromeda galaxies, including people killed retroactively back through time. The Pope himself, according to Philip Pullman, killed nine hundred thousand million just with his teeth. Did you know Christians are against sex? It’s a fact! I read it in Wikipedia.
You: “Um. Did you know the word “Gullible” is not in the dictionary?”
Me: (looking carefully in Webster’s.) Sure it is! Hey, there is a picture of me in the Dictionary, too! Right by that entry.
Me: In any case, I think Solomon Kane, Puritan Adventurer can beat Hillary Clinton, and I like his stance on foreign policy. I mean, he kills Arab slavers in the book, so…
You: “Why do you think he can beat Hillary?”
Me: He’s defeated other undead, hasn’t he? (rimshot).