Wonder Woman’s New Duds are Duds

No doubt the entire free world is wondering about the opinion of obscure midlist science fiction author, John C. Wright, concerning the most troubling and significant issue of our time: Wonder Woman’s new costume.

Wonder Woman's Many Looks

The entire Free World, or, at least, the part of it I care about, sciffygeekdom, is abuzz and aburst with controversy and conniptions concerning her latest sartorial saga.

There are those that say removing the stars from the blue skintight Lycra covering Wonder Woman’s perfectly shaped Amazonian buttocks are an insult to the patriotism that made this country great. There are those that say removing the American Bald Eagle emblem from Wonder Woman’s gorgeously rounded, maternally huge and full, yet maidenly pert bosom is part of a communist plot. There are even those that say failing to remove the red star from her Communist headband that holds her luxurious yet rippling cascades of luscious dark hair is evidence of a Communist plot.

And there are those that say the invisible jet is just plane stupid no matter how you try to update it. And there are those that say Steve Trevor is a really lame yet dumb version of Lois Lane, an Überdufus beta male, and that Wondie should hook up with Batman, who at least is in her league.

On the other hand, there are those that say her old costume of red, white and blue one piece bathing suit with matching thigh boots is degrading, sexist, sexually exploitive, sexual, sexy, and sextuple, and ergo the new suit by being more respectable, is more respectfully respectful to women, especially those of the female type.

To people who say that, I say: doesn’t the word sextuple mean having six kids?

To each of these complaints, I have an answer. My answer is that no one I know reads Wonder Woman comics or has read one in years: the last good issue was the one where she was working in a taco stand, so who cares?

Doesn't Diana Prince have a Navy Job?

Ho-ho, and how sexist! Good thing we never saw Superman doing something that undignified!

Gusteau is Right! Anyone Can Cook!

Hmm…

But we all love Wonder Woman anyway, or, at least those of us who are blissfully unaware of her origin as a spokesmodel for lesbian sado-bondage love. (Of course, some of us not blissfully unaware love her too, but in a sick, twisted way.)

But, all that to one side, Wonder Woman is a beloved, buxom, and long-standing character of the DC Universe. She is one of the Big Three icons of DC superheroicalism, alongside Batman and Superman (or two of the big four if we count each one of her perfectly shaped wonderbreasts separately.)

Why? Why, you ask? Why is Wonder Woman so well known and well loved, considering how consistently sucky her comic book appearances are? I suspect it has more to do with Lynda Carter than Charlie Moulton; and I suspect more of all it has to do with Bruce Timm, and his work on the animated cartoon Justice League. Bruce Timm is a magician.

Bruce Timm's Wonder Woman

Linda Carter! Nize Cape!

My theory is that Wonder Woman is great as a team player, such as on the Justice League, but a weak character, merely a version of Supergirl not as interesting or appealing as Supergirl, and with a big feminist chip on her shapely shoulder when she is by herself in her own title.

So let us take these questions one at a time.

First question: what the heck is it with that commie star on her tiara? Is she not an All-American, um, Amazonian princess and/or hideous clay golem brought to an unholy mockery of life and motion?

Answer: I think that star has been there since 1941, the same star we paint on the tailfins of our bombers, and besides, the only thing I care about is whether or not her new tiara can be used as a boomerang.

If not, can the tiara be used as a razor-sharp ninja-doll throwing weapon?

Who Doesn't Love a Gal with a Dangerous Hair Ornament?

Second question: Is her new costume unpatriotic? Let’s take a look:

Wonder Woman's New, More Conservative OutfitWell, gosh, at first glance, I don’t see anything objectionable. Heels, a shapely green leg, a conservative looking suit appropriate for an attorney, and glasses to give her that ‘meganekko’ cutiepie look. To me these seems as American as apple strudel or…

Wait. Who? Oh, sorry, wrong superchick. This above is a picture of one of the slavegirls of Orion, which is a completely different fetish from Wonder Woman. Or maybe it is the Wicked Witch of the West when she was young.

Where was I? Oh, yet, her new costume:

Sort of a Militant Look

Sort of a Militaristic Look

I must say, this looks a bit militant for Wonder Woman, almost goosestepping Ratzi-ish, but I do like the cutie little drum majorette skirt. But where are her femininium bracelets that allow her to deflect bullets?

Oops, sorry, my mistake. Wrong illo. We were talking about WONDER WOMAN’s new costume. Here it is!

A New Costume!

I must say, this new costume looks simply terrible! Where is the red, white and blue look we are used to? And why is her Magic Lasso of Truth look like some sort of gooey webbing flying from her fingertips? And why does she have a spider on her chest?

Speaking of chest, she looks boyish in this! I have never seen such a flatchested version of Wonder Woman! Are they trying to make our beloved Amazon into a cheap female knock off of Spiderman??! I thought she was a cheap female knock-off of Superman, except with occasional lesbian sado-bondage thrown in for spice….

Wait. Who? Oh, sorry, wrong super. Explicative Adumbrated but Not Said! There has to be a picture of her new costume somewhere on the Internet.

As All-American as the UN!

Well, I see nothing objectionable in this! In her secret identity as Yeoman Diana Prince, Wonder Woman can don a jacket and go to the mall, perhaps to play video games or grab a slice of pizza, or sing Joan Jett karaoke …

Perfect for Cruising the Mall!

I must say she shows a fetching bit of leg here, because I thought Yeoman Prince was supposed to be sort of shy, like a female Clark Kent, and I see no evidence of her cute airforce maiden uniform or her cute Meganekko glasses…

Wait. What? That is what she is wearing to fight crime?

Joan Jett Explodes into Awesome 80's Ninja Action!

Okay, first, having leave a burning gold W in the face of any man she backhands with her new bracelet is not just stupid for someone who is supposed to be the Ambassador of Love to Man’s World, it is a ripoff from the Phantom, who left a much cooler skull-shaped mark in the face of anyone he punched in the face, due to a waycool ring he inherited from his father, the previous Phantom, whose entire family line swore an oath to fight piracy since the Sixteenth Century. Swearing an oath to fight crime on the graves of your murdered parents, like the Batman, is cool; swearing an oath in rhyme that no evil shall escape your sight every time you power up your magic ring like Green Lantern is even cooler; but having your ENTIRE FAMILY TREE reaching back to the Sixteenth Century swear an oath to fight PIRATES is coolest of all.

Smash Evil!

But Wonder Woman did not swear any way cool oath like that, so she just is not allowed to leave her mark in the face of people she punches in the face. What kind of role model is that for little girls? Little girl should be taught to strangle foes with a lasso.

Second, I must say that, speaking only for my own opinion, Wonder Woman should wear a much more reasonable set of gear for facing dangers! For example, would it not be more practical to go back to her old costume, and wear thigh-high stiletto-heeled boots, a form-fitting one-piece bathing suit? Think of how much protection this would afford an Amazon being shoved through a plate-glass window by a gargoyle or something!

Practical Combat Gear

Hm. Okay, perhaps something realistic and combat-worthy?

Even More Practical! (Spc. Jennie Baez of the the 47th Forward Support Battalion)

Er. That may be a little TOO realistic and combat-worthy. It is not like we read comics for realism. If we want realism, we can read the obituaries in the newspaper. We need to show a little skin, or fanboys will not buy the magazine.

Costume Corrected!

That is not bad. On the one hand, it does not exactly scream ‘Wonder Woman’ to me. On the other hand, I seem to recall even worse Wonder Woman costumes from times not too long ago. What about a handsome, feminine, yet dignified combination of leather bra and biker pants?

AAAGH! MY EYES!

IT BURNSSES US! MY EYES! PRECIOUSSSS, WE HATES IT FOREVER!

So, the new costume is not as bad as some in recent memory. On the other hand, the classic costume is, well, classic.

Of course, the classic costume can be made to look even better with some ‘ Amazon’ accessories for that ‘Ancient Greek’ look:

The Ancient Greek Look!

Well, I did not mean THAT ancient Greek look. I was thinking more of:

Nize Hat!

or maybe

Note the Rich Corinthian Helmet!

And is there anything cutsie-pie-er than a superheroine in her secret identity Clark Kent-girl glasses?

Guys Make Passes at Girls in Glasses

In fact, Wonder Woman should just wear glasses all the time. And maybe a pair of ripped jeans.

As All American as a Berkley Radical!

Or maybe possibly she should stick with the original costume…

Steve Trevor is one Lucky Bastage!

Nothing says ‘My Country, Long May She Wave’ more clearly than wrapping the American flag around the shapely hips and intimate parts of an Amazonian Princess, preferably with the American eagle grasping yet caressing her firm, large, shapely organs of matriarchy.

Steve Trevor Must Die!

You might call this desecrating the flag. But I call it cheesecake, and what is more American than that?

As All-American as Hercules, Theseus, or Agamemnon!

Next question: Was the old costume too sexually provocative, if not insensitive to the equality of the equal rights of women? To which I answer: Absurd! All female superheroines are degraded in a similar costuming fashion! It is perfectly normal!

No, no, wrong answer. What I meant to say is, that the classic Wonder Woman costume is not sensual or sexy in any way!

Well, in the same Issue as Women of HOOTERS! Way to go, Diana!

Let us change the subject quickly to another question.

Question: Does the change from a patriotic, American-flag hotpants bathing suit to a more drab, goofy looking World-Citizen 80’s jacket Joan Jett look allow rabid leftys all over the Internet a chance to sneer at America, by showing off their twit-fanboy-trivia knowledge, explaining in condescending tones that Wonder Woman is actually an ancient Greek Demigoddess?

Answer: the sneering sneerers forget that while the Amazon myth is Greek, the Amazons themselves (according to that myth) resided in Scythia, which is modern Anatolia, and that Thymescira (or, in the original Charlie Moulton continuity, Paradise Island) was in the Caribbean, ergo Diana Prince is actually an Anatolian from Cuba or Haiti, except that she is made out of clay, therefore ergo not only is she not Greek, she is not even a member of the animal kingdom, or, for that matter, the domain of living beings.

So take THAT trivia-loving twit-fanboy! My powers of twittery equal or excel your own!

Besides, the patriotic nature of the superheroes comes from their love of Democracy and Freedom, not from where they are born! None of the Justice League, for example, were born in America!

  • Superman is from Planet Krypton!
  • Green Lantern is from Space Sector 2814!
  • The Martian Manhunter is from Mars!
  • Aquaman is from Atlantis!
  • Vision is a synthezoid, Adam Warlock is an android, and Machine Man is a robot!
  • Wonder Man is dead and made of energy, and Deathman is dead and Space Ghost is alive!
  • Hawkgirl is from Egypt, or Thanagar, or both!
  • Hawkman is from a floating city on planet Mongo!
  • Wolverine is Canadian!
  • Owl Man is from a parallel dimension of pure Evil!
  • Saturn Girl is from Titan and Thanos is from the same place, and yet they never met each other!
  • And Captain America is Marvel, not DC!

So there!

Question: Does this prove that the comic industry has been taken over by rabid leftroid America-Haters?

Answer: No. That the comic industry was taken over by rabid leftroid America-Haters was proven when they shot Captain America, after having him blame America for 9-11 and crap like that. I can show you not only the exact issue when I stopped reading comics, I can show you the exact panel. Here it is:

When this turns out to be a Skrull, call me. Otherwise, screw you, Stan Lee.

Dear Scum at the Comic Book Industry: You write an issue where it turns out that was a Skrull, and Cap is still alive, I’ll think about buying comics again.

If you think I am willing to believe that Captain America, the Red, White and Blue Avenger, can be taken out by one sniper bullet, when the entire Axis war machine, the Red Skull, Emperor Tojo, Mussolini, all the forces of organized crime, HYDRA and AIM, the Cosmic Cube, not to mention the all-powerful WAR WHEEL OF NAZI GERMANY  were not able to lay a glove on him, you can suck my ripe lemons. A man who can go toe-to-toe with Battroc the Leaper, is not going to be laid low by some punk with a snipe rifle.

Batroc ze Leaper!

Battroc! The greatest supervillain of … uh … France!

Batroc! He is ze tres terrifying of ze villains, n'est-ce-pas?

Question: If no one reads the Wonder Woman comic, and no one cares what she wears, why are you wasting my time talking about this topic?

Answer: Because the comic book itself has not been the money-maker for anyone owning these intellectual properties for, lo, many years now. Spin-offs, toys, games, television, and movie versions of the characters is the source of the revenue stream.

And with good reason! If they did a half-way descent Wonder Woman movie, I’d go see it.

Patriotic Pulchritude!

Who Does Not Like Seeing Beautiful Women Bruised and Beaten for Fun?

I’d go see a live-action Wonder Woman movie, even if it were NOT written by Joss Whedan and even if it starred Megan Fox

We Loved Her in Transformers II!

But only if she dressed like Wonder Woman, not like an 80’s Mall Rat.

Question: So the new costume is unpatriotic, but is the new comic unpatriotic?

Answer: Jeez, how would I know? I don’t read the comic. They are still waving the flag on the cover, so that is worth something.

Wave that Flag! Show your Patriotic Cleavage!

It is clear from the Internet chatter that most of the rabid twit-fanboys out there are unpatriotic, since they seem all to be using this as an opportunity to sneer at the old fashioned love for America which old fashioned comics in the Kick-Nazi-Ass Era seemed to represent.

Question: Would you buy a comic where Wonder Woman was kicking Nazi ass?

Punch Hitler in the FACE!

Answer: With or without lesbian sado-bondage overtones? Er, what I meant to say was, my real answer is, Yes, you can bet your goose-stepping Fritz that I would buy any comic where any superheroine in a patriotic bathing suit was kicking Nazi ass in a heartbeat, provided only that the WAR WHEEL also made an appearance.

OMIGOD! Its the WAR WHEEL! Run!

The almighty NAZI WAR WHEEL! Unstoppable!

Your pathetic Weapons are No Match for the WAR WHEEL!

No one can halt the advance of the WAR WHEEL!!

Even the Green Lantern is helpless before its terrifying yet rotary might!

The Most Fiendist of all German Weapons!

(Of course, Captain America could have stopped the War Wheel with his super-soldier strength and vibranium-admantium alloy shield, but Stan Lee had the living emblem of America shot by a lame-ass sniper by the Bush Administration or something dumb like that, so now we are all doomed. Thanks a lot, Stan! Bite me.)

Question: What is up with Steve Trevor? Are guy readers supposed to identify with him? Do girl readers find him attractive, a realistic love-interest for our beloved Amazonian Princess? I’d like to punch him in the face and leave a skull-shaped mark!

Answer: Steve Trevor is a wuss and a wussasaurus and an utter embarrassment to the masculine half of the human race, because girls getting rescued by guys is cool and even romantic, but guys getting rescued by girls is eunuchifying.

Question: I liked him played by Lyle Waggonner on the 70’s television show!

Answer: He was not bad there. But the one time Steve Trevor was truly cool was when he made a cameo appearance in the Justice League cartoon done by Bruce Timm and company, where Stevie was like some sort of bad ass OSS-agent lady’s man Nazi-killing machine of coolness behind enemy lines who stole a kiss from Diana and made her blush. Which was the most kawaii thing I thing I ever saw. Bruce Timm is a magician.

Question: Why do Eta Candy and the Holiday Girls spend so much time in the early Golden Age comics dressed up in furry deer suits and being bound and gagged by loving but stern disciplinarian mistresses?

Answer:  Charles Moulton was one sick freak. Fredric Wertham was right about him.

Question: Why does Wonder Woman have the lamest rogues gallery ever?

Answer: I dunno. Some of the villains from the Flash were pretty lame, too. I mean, honestly, Turtle Man? The Trickster?

Question: What will be the ultimate outcome of the Wonder Woman Changes Her Clothes saga? How will it all turn out? As an obscure midlist science fiction writer, you must know!

Answer: As an obscure midlist science fiction writer, I do not have to know, I have to be able to make it up!

In this case, we have ample previous examples from the annals of comicbookishdom to supply a possible answer.

After a few issues in the doofy new costume, the comic writers will try to bring back some of the old, lame-o golden age Wonder Woman villains, like split-personality girl who dresses like a cheetah, or short guy with an inferiority complex and mind control powers, or Etta Candy, or Wonder Tot, and upgrade and update them so that they are all w00t badass and shiny, but since Charles Moulton’s original concepts are so warped, and since Fredric Wertham was right about Charles Moulton being a sick freak, the writers will have to dredge up some faux Greek mythology, and have her involved with fighting Ares and centaurs or Medusa or cool stuff like that, and for that period, some of the comics might be good.

Then the movie will come out, or a new toy line, and the readers will demand the old costume back, and the writers will oblige them, but the new costume will brood on its abandonment, slither up to Eddie Brock or someone, force him to wear the old costume, and Brock will be granted all the powers of Wonder Teen, and be able to fly the invisible jet. Or something.

Then the writers will kill off Steve Trevor by stuffing him in a refrigerator, or have him retroactively never have had existed during a crisis on infinite secret wars, or, thanks to a spell cast by Mephisto, he would have been married to Mary-Jane Parker, and through the miracle of hypertime, the ancient Egyptian version of Hawkman Trevor will be one and the same as the outerspace version, but in either case Steve will be gone, and Wonder Woman can date the Batman. Which is as it should be.

Question: What is up with the invisible jet? How can Wonder Woman read the instrument panel?

Answer: the Invisible Jet is an advanced piece of Paradise Island technology unknown to Man’s World, and it is controlled by telepathic Amazonian brainwaves, so she does not need to see the controls.

Question: Why does it have a control stick in the cockpit, then?

Answer: Next question, please.

Question: It’s like she’s flying around sitting on her butt. I think she should just fly like Superman. I hate the invisible jet.

Answer: When Bruce Timm and the team working on Justice League Unlimited had a cameo appearance by the invisible jet, it was waycool. Bruce Timm can take the lamest ideas from the Golden Age and make them cool somehow. He is a magician.

So mock not the invisible jet! It is our only hope against the unstoppable fury of THE WAR WHEEL!

Question: Which costume is the real Wonder Woman costume?

Answer: Do you really have to ask?

Awww...

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