The 5 Definitive Criteria by which Science Fiction Cinema is to be Judged
Many folk have asked me,”Pardon me, sir, but could you leave the store? You are frightening our customers.” While this is a good question, a better question is, “Dear world famous yet humble science fiction author John C. Wright, why is it that your taste in movies is so very bad? Didn’t you actually like LADY IN THE WATER by M. Night Shyamalan? What criteria do you, world famous science fiction author John C. Wright, use to achieve such an astonishing nadir of goodtastemanship?”
Let us address the second question:
I judge science fiction movies by a sequence of carefully chosen criteria: (1) first, is there a hot babe in a skintight and/or revealing future-suit at any point in the film? (2) Is there a gorilla? (3) Is there a robot? (4) Does any character have Way Cool mind powers? And, most importantly, (5) Does a planet get blown up? I then award stars according to how many of these five criteria are met, giving me a ranking from zero to five. Add an extra star if there is a Space Princess.
Let’s see how our favorite science fiction films line up against these wise and reasonable and completely non-arbitrary criteria, shall we?
All Good Science Fiction Films Should Have an Ape Robot
50 foot tall Ape Robot--A recurring theme in serious SF
Star Trek:
In the 2009 movie, Rachel Nichols as Uhura’s roommate Gaila satisfies the first criterion, plus gets an extra credit because she is green. Why Uhura gets to have her own personal Orion slavegirl at Star Fleet Academy I don’t know.
Rachel Nichols as Gaila, the Wild Yet Sexy Animal-Woman of Orion. Or, er, maybe that's Batgirl.
How many slavegirls does Uhura keep in her dorm room?
Jeri Ryan as the Borg, counts both as a robot AND as a space babe, satisfying two more criteria.The planet Vulcan does indeed get blown up in the 2009 movie.
Jeri Ryan as Lt. Eye Candy, Making the Borg no long Scary
Bent Spiner not only plays Data, a robot, he also plays Lore, his own evil twin. And, of course, Spock has that mind meld thingie he does, which counts as a Way Cool mind power. Four stars. No Gorilla.
Mind Powers are EVEN COOLER when your Evil Twin uses them!
Beneath the Planet of the Apes:
Linda Harrison as Nova meets our first criterion in spades.
Linda Harris as a Wild Yet Sexy Animal-Woman Nova of the Planet of the Apes
Ape Shall Not Kill Ape! (But then why do we maintain a permanent standing army?)
You Blew It All Up! TWICE!
Second, there are plenty of gorillas on the Planet of the Apes. Third, the faceless mutants have Way Cool Mind Powers.
Fourth, the planet Earth is blown to asteroids by the Omega Missile the mutants worship. (Blowing human civilization into dust in the first movie also counts. That is two planetary explosion disasters.) Four stars.
I Reveal my True Face Unto my God
Maybe we should award an extra star because the mutants worship an atom bomb. The only thing freaky-cooler than worshiping an atom bomb is worshiping a giant ape.
King Kong:
Gorilla, check. Fay Wray in slinky silk number, check. Extra star because the girl gets tied up and offered as a living sacrifice by the ape-worshiping savage natives of SKULL ISLAND. The only thing freaky-cooler than worshiping an atom bomb is worshiping a giant ape. Three stars.
- KONG! And the remake sucked lemons
Chicks from 1930's were sexier than modern girls. Sweeter, too. Just accept it.
Any SF film is improved by the scene where a girl is offered up as the BRIDE OF THE MONSTER, is it not?
When Worlds Collide:
Earth gets smashed to rubble by the rogue planet Nemesis. No robots. One star. Cool Noah’s-Ark-of-Space rocketship on a take-off ramp, however.
Forbidden Planet:
You young whippersnappers do not recall the days when Anne Francis was not just a space babe, but was THE space babe, and Robbie the robot was not just a robot, but THE robot.
Shakespeare's Tempest IN SPAAACE!
Robot and Space Babe from your Father's Generation
Whether or not there are Way Cool mind powers is up for debate: on the one hand, Dr. Morbius does create an invisible and invulnerable monster out of his Id, but on the other hand, he uses an ancient machine from the dead race of the Krell to do so.
The Krell Machine
And of course the planet Altair IV is suffers the cosmic space kablooie just before the credits roll. Four Stars.
Krull:
Not to be confused with Krell.
No gorillas and no robots, but the Beast does have a space vessel that doubles as a teleporting super castle, and nearly everyone has Way Cool Mind Powers in this flick: the hero has a psychokenetic eight-armed switchblade thingie, the kid changes shape, the widow of the web has a magic mirror, the slayers can rise out of the muck and impersonate the dead, the comedy relief magician has, um, well, magic. Even the horses have a Mind Power, because they can run so fast fire shoots out of their rocket-hoofs.
Lyssa the Space Princess is a two-fer, since she is both a princess and a pyrokenetic who can throw vast balls of flame out of her perfectly manicured hands.
Even the Damsel in Distress has Waycool Mind Powers: She's a Burninator
Even the Space Fortress has Waycool Mind Powers.
The Way Coolest yet creepily eeriest of the Mind Power is that of the Cyclops were deceived by the Beast into possessing: they can foresee nothing of the future except each man sees for his whole life the day and hour of his own death. Three Stars.
Death-o-vision. Creepiest Waycool Mind Power EVER!
Day the Earth Stood Still:
Gort is a robot so badass, that not only does he break out of a cube of invulnerable plastic, destroy guns and tanks of the National Guard with his Cylon eye-ball deathbeam, and not only does he have the power to destroy the Earth, but he can resurrect the dead!
Even more badass, in this film, Gort is the true master of the expedition, and the space man Klaatu cannot control him.
And the remake sucked lemons like a mad shop-vac in a teashop.
We Come In Peace! To Threaten Your Planet with Annihilation!
However, a power blackout all over the world does not technically count as “blowing up” a world, so no stars there. The film also suffers a horrific and inexplicable lack of space gorillas, space princesses, and the other elements that define thoughtful and imaginative science fiction cinema. Sadly, we can award this classic only one star.
Justice League Unlimited:
Gorilla Grog is the gorilla, and Brainiac is the robot. Gorilla Grod also has way cool mind powers, so he is a two-fer-one, not to mention that Giganta is both a she-gorilla and a babe, and of course Hawkgirl is a total space babe, and Green Lantern is a fool for ever letting her go!
Attacks by 50 foot tall women-- A recurring theme in serious SF
Psionic Super-villain Gorilla Grod from Ape City. Who says SF is not serious literature?
Of course the Planet Krypton is blown to deadly yet little green glowing space rocks at the very beginning of Superman’s career, so that counts. Five Stars.
Monsters Versus Aliens:
Despite the promising title, there are no gorillas, either earthly gorillas or alien gorillas, in this movie. While several of the characters have powers, none of them, strictly speaking, has Mind Powers. A young bride ripped out of her wedding dress by mutation-causing space asteroid does count as a revealing costume, and there is a titanic robot tromping through San Fran. Not to mention that the alien’s home planet is blown to bits right in the opening scene of the film, which means that this under-rated cinematic masterpiece earns a respectable Three Stars.
The Film Represented a Return to the High Standards of 1950's SF Cinema. And a Return of the 50-foot Woman.
Space Battleship Yamato (aka Star Blazers):
There is a dippy robot that is always trying to look up the skirts of the girl crewman, albeit I think they cut that bit of business out of the Americanized version. There are two space princesses (three, if Invidia of the Comet Empire counts), and at least one of them has Way Cool mind powers.
Invidia! Paramour in the Japanese Version, Daughter in the American Version
Of course the evil planet Alderon or Gamelon or whatever is it called is space-blasted to space-rubble at the climax of the first season. Three stars.
Star Wars:
Princess Leia is found in a revealing slavegirl bikini in the third film, and her planet Alderon or Gamelon or whatever it is called is blasted to ashes in the first movie, plus she is a Space Princess, so that is a three-fer-one right there.
Chewbacca counts as a gorilla as far as I am concerned.
C3PO and the Hoover Vacuum Cleaner guy are robots, and Ben Kenobi has Way Cool Mind Powers of the way coolest sort. Six Stars. We have a winner!
Carrie Fisher in her Finest Role!
If we add the Fay Wray bonus for chaining up the girl, that would make Star Wars enjoy an unprecedented Seven Stars.
But I will point out that the girl is never offered up as the BRIDE OF THE MONSTER, so this does not count as real science fiction, and the coveted Seventh Star cannot be granted in this case.
Also, we have to knock off one star for Jar Jar Binks and the general suckitude of the three prequel movies, that robbed me of my childhood and emotionally scarred me for life.
Kristen Bell in Carrie Fisher's Finest Role!
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
