Ad Copy

A reader with the triskdecaphiliac yet hundredfold name of Centurion 13 writes in about the ad copy describing TRANSHUMAN AND SUBHUMAN:

“one of science fiction’s greatest living masters.”

I … um, okay. Really? I can’t imagine this came from Mister Wright himself, as he seems quite humble. Is the hyperbole necessary?

My comment: You are correct that this is not the ad copy I wrote. “one of science fiction’s greatest living masters.” Indeed! Meh!

My original copy read this way:

Johann Carlovingian Justinmartyr Wright the All-Highest of Eddore and the Defender of the Faith in Himself is not only the perfect and immanent master of the universe, living or dead or undead or yet to be born, but is the examplar of all beauty, greatness, and grandeur!

His eyes shine with twelve colors of the spectrum beyond human sight! Fulgors and lightnings fly with raucous brilliance from his luminous fingernails as he writes!

His teeth obliterate mountains and small continents in his wrath! His has fifty heads which stare in all directions, more than omniscient! From his belly button pours forth, like the gush of the celestial river Eridanus, mercy to the weak, and nineteen indescribable virtues!

The left hemisphere of his mighty buttocks is seated on the moon, and his right, slightly scorched, upon the sun! The ten thousand gods, adored with precious gems the burning rainbows, lick the intervals between his divine toes, a thousand for each toe!

The cosmic dragons of supreme transcendence entwine his spinal column, focusing his spirit energy to bridge earth and heaven! When he bathes, his fragrant sweat ignites the seven seas!

The Nymphs of the Three Heavens ululate his praise and the ninety-one Apsara lave the cloud and wave with his lauds! He is the mighty elephant that supports heaven with his infinite shoulder and fertilizes the earth with his excellent dung! 

When he speaks, sages faint! When he raises his right hand, the morning star sits on his finger! When he walks, the earthquake! When he stops at McDonald’s, he gets a Bigger Mac than your Big Mac!

So, that is not hyperbole. Quite the opposite! Confining myself to merely the greatest of living masters existing in this, your limited three dimensional continuum, is actually quite humble, compared to my undisguised self-opinion. I am one of the success stories of the self-esteem movement, it seems.

When he speaks, he speaks not in the First, Second, or Third Person, but the Fourth Person! When acting on stage, he does not break the fourth wall to address the audience, but the fifth!

Okay,  jeesh, that’s enough.