Petty Puppy-Kickers on the March

From the blog of Theodore Beale, the Most Hated Man in the Solar System:

Glenn Hauman issued a second call for anti-Puppy Amazon reviews, this time on File 770:

Glenn Hauman on April 15, 2015
You can game Amazon ratings as well. Here’s a list of all of Mr. Beale’s nominees, complete with handy links to Amazon. It might be a good idea to take a look at the reviews and see which ones are helpful. If you’ve read the works, you should add your own review. Oh, and to answer the title question: what do you do to rabid puppies? You put them down.

Glenn Hauman on May 20, 2015 at 10:51 pm said:
Just a reminder to all Hugo voters: After you’ve read items in the Hugo packet, you don’t have to confine any reviews of them to your own blogs and social media. Feel free to add them to Amazon as well.

And once again, SJWs have obediently responded to his call.

I am proud to have Mr Beale as my publisher. For one thing, he answers my emails without leaving me hanging for months, for another, he knows how to edit a manuscript.

I hesitate to call him ‘Vox Day’ or ‘Ted’ because of the recent discovery, touted by scientists, alienists, chrononauts and posthistorians investigating the degenerate subuman descendants of British workingmen found in dank caves and sewers, that Morlocks do not understand nicknames. This is a quality they share with the reptiloids of Alpha Draconis, and the Badoon of Capella.

This is not to be confused with the fact that the aliens from the Quinn-Martin TV show THE INVADERS cannot bend their pinky fingers. Each different invader creature has a different set of ‘tells’ which betrays his nonhumanity. See your Peterson’s Field Guide for details.

It must be noted that these entities, though dire and potent in their own spheres, often misunderstand simple human conventions, such as nicknames, or the process of voting based on the merit of the case, and can be thwarted by the agile wit of a diligent and observant mortal. I quote from our casebook:

“No; there is ample at hand,” declared the creature, speaking through Iucounu’s mouth. “But now I feel the need for relaxation. The evolution I performed a moment or so ago has made quietude necessary.”

“A simple matter,” said Cugel. “The most effective means to this end is to clamp with extreme intensity upon the Lobe of Directive Volition.”

“Indeed?” inquired the creature. “I will attempt as much; let me see: this is the Lobe of Antithesis and here, the Convolvement of Subliminal Configuration … Szzm. Much here puzzles me; it was never thus on Achernar.” The creature gave Cugel a sharp look to see if the slip  had been noticed. But Cugel put on an attitude of lackadaisical boredom; and the creature continued to sort through the various elements of Iucounu’s brain. “Ah yes, here: the Lobe of Directive Volition. Now, a sudden vigorous pressure.”

Iucounu’s face became taut, the muscles sagged, and the corpulent body crumpled to the floor. Cugel leapt forward and in a trice bound Iucounu’s arms and legs and affixed an adhesive pad across the big mouth.

Note here the importance of nonchalance when dealing with such creatures, as the pretense that their activities are undetected often lulls them into error. A strong cord, a sharp dirk, and an emulsion of Pharisms’ Excellent Nontelluric Expurgative, either in liquid form or suppository, is also useful.

They like to think they can pass for human, despite the encroachment of extraterrestrial verbal signifiers into their language,  such as “Szzm” or “cisnormative” or “transmisogynistic.”

Alas, I am too busy today to comb through Amazon to downvote and report graffiti being left on my sale goods by malign Morlocks. I ask any reader impatient for my next work to be published to alleviate my workload by shouldering this task, please.

I ask any undecided onlooker who has noticed the kerfuffle to observe who has played straight, honest, aboveboard, and continually and openly identified their goals and platform, and who has lied, cheated, lied, slandered, lied, libeled, lied, betrayed, lied, invented falsehoods, resorted to dirsty tricks, lied, defamed, lied, called people racists, lied, organized defamation campaigns in major media, lied and lied again.

I ask any undecided onlooker who has noticed the kerfuffle to observe whether anyone on the Sad Puppies side of things has called for posting false and defamatory reviews of rival works, or attempting to blacklist or undermine the income of fellow authors?

Allow me to quote the wise Cail Corishev

I’m still trying to figure out if they truly hate the work

The works are irrelevant, if they even read them. They aren’t making anti-Puppy attacks because they honestly think the works are bad, any more than Soviet commissars killed Ukrainian farmers because their cabbages were too small.

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