Space Pirates Wooing Space Princesses
The revolutionary literary movement THE NEW SPACE PRINCESS MOVEMENT is only one day old, and already people have found the fundamental logical flaw in it. Namely, while ninja and dinosaurs are mentioned, what about Space Pirates? This is an importent point, and one that must be rectified! In order to lend more gravitas to the movement, I am reposting this peice I wrote last year for Meme Theurapy:
The fine fellows at Meme Therapy have posted a discussion about which Science Fiction starship one should own? The general consensus there is the TARDIS, as this vehicle travels both in time and space, is user friendly, and grants the Gift of the Time Lords, allowing one to speak all languages. However, this assumes that vehicle is ment to be used for sight-seeing or other Lawful Good purposes.
But we all know the real purpose behind man’s yearning for star-drive, do we not? The Lensman core was specifically designed in response to this real purpose: the real purpose of starships is to commit outrages on distant worlds and be away faster than the speed of light before the crime is detected. PIRACY! Being a pirate is passing brave, to be sure, but being a Space Pirate is the ne plus ultra of human ambition. It is like being a pirate, but with rayguns.
Let us agree, without further discussion, that the Death Star is the best SF star-vehicle for piracy. It has mass and presence, and when it is seen rising like a dark moon above the horizon of the capitol city of some hapless victim world, all will quail when the radios of the world clamour: THIS IS CAPTAIN BLOODSTAR of BOSKONE. PLACE ALL YOUR GOLD AND VALUABLES INTO ORBIT AT ONCE! Hapless redcoats will run every which way while TIE-fighters manned by scurvy Tortuga mongrels fly low over burning buildings, taking pot-shots at the panicked crowds.
But what act of piracy to commit? Looting treasure? Nawr, maties. Ar. That is not big enough. You want to kidnap a Space Princess and hale her back to your hidden lair on Skull Asteroid for a quick Pirate Wedding. Law won’t touch you if your married to Royalty! And not just any old Space Princess! We want a thionite-sniffers dream, a seven sector callout!
The question then merely becomes, which one? Which Space Princess do you want to carry off?
Princess Aura, of course, is anyone’s number one choice in a Space Princess,
- either if she looks like Priscilla Lawson
- or Ornella Muti,
or (best of all) the Filmation animated version voiced by Melendy Britt.
- Each Aura has something to recommend her. She is good with a raygun
- Or good with a sword
- Or good with another type of raygun
- Princess Irulan (as played by Virginia Madson) also gets my vote
- as does Princess Amidala (as played by the totally cute Natalie Portman),
- and, of course, Princess Aradala (as played by Pamela Hensley).
- The first of all Space Princess is none other than Deja Thoris, the Princess of Mars.
Isabel Evans aka Princess Valandra (as played by mind-breakingly gorgeous Katherine Heigl) we can also count as a Space Princess, even if she is living on Earth in exile.
- Theoretically, evil Tess the Brainwarping girl is also a Space Princess, but we do not know her Space Princess Name. Even though she is a cutie pie, she is out of the running.
- But did I mention that Princess Aura is the first choice?
The disadvantage of wooing women in this piratical fashion, is, of course, irked male relatives. Let us deal first with irked fathers:
Emperor Ming of Mongo is actually the greatest threat in this category, since he can control weather and produce asteroid showers while guiding dirigible planets to his targets, but the Death Star should be proof against planet-sized adversaries. On the other hand, it is Ming, and if he misses you with the first planet, he might get you with the second, and any of your loyal troops he captures will be put through the Depersonalizing Machine. No one, unless he has the willpower of Topol thinking of the Beatles, will be able to withstand that!
The Padishah Emperor has the Sardaukar terror-troops, who fight with, um, knives, but they are trained from infancy to use cruelty as a weapon, so maybe cutting their planet in half with the Death Star would be enough to pacify them. On the other hand, these guys from DUNE are drug-addicted space Arab fanatics, who are masters of stealth and intrigue, and a Boni Maroni-trained witch or creepy little abomination-girl might stab you with a Gom Jabbar, so maybe not. Some of them have Psychic Powers. One of the First Rules we Space Pirates learned from the Gray Lensman was this: when in space, do not Frell with the dudes with Psychic Powers.
Ardala’s Dad is King Draco, who, no matter how large his star-empire, has kind of a dumb name, so we cannot be too scared of him, but he has space-samurai who fly in what look like Glen Larson ripoffs of X-Wings, your defenses are designed around a direct large-scale assault, so a small one-man fighter should be able to penetrate the outer defense. (Clearly the picture below is not King Draco. This is another Space Princess, either Princess Alpha or her sister, which I add here merely to reinforce the fact that all true Space Princesses have names beginning with the letter A.)
Let us turn to the threat from outraged husbands and lovers:
Forget the concept of kidnapping Deja Thoris. It is not that she cannot be kidnapped! Oh, it is all too easy. It is the consequences that follow after. Many evil beings have kidnapped Deja Thoris, almost as many as those who would kidnap Jane Porter. However, villains always seek to hide Jane Porter in the African Jungles; space pirates always seek to hide Deja Thoris in space. Big Mistake.
Having a Death Star might give a man delusions of grandeur, BUT—–
Once John Carter, is on your trail, stick a fork in you, you are done. You think having John Crichton, James Kirk, or Jean-Luc Picard chasing you is bad Juju? They are NOTHING compared to John Carter Warlord of Mars! Nobody Can Beat This Guy, not nobody not nohow. He is immortal, so old he does not know his birth. He is the best swordsman of two worlds. If killed, he merely wakes up on another world.
Let us look at the other options.
Amidala’s squeeze is a whiney Jedi boy, but Death Stars have a weak spot Jedi can exploit, so maybe we should leave her be.
On the other hand, Princess Valandra’s dad is a lawyer in Arizona. So she is the safest bet for Space Princess abduction via Death Star.
On the gripping hand, the other disadvantage of kidnapping Space Princesses to be your unwilling bride, is Psychic Powers, which Valandra has in spades. Lay a finger on her, and your brains will be running out your ears.
We have also overlooked the old standby, the most famous Space Princess of all, Princess Leia. The disadvantage in this case, is that she may strangle you to death with the chain you leash her with, as happened to Pizza the Hutt. On the other hand, some pirate chiefs like ‘em feisty. And maybe you can win her over once she sees you in uniform.
Drawback: her brother is a Jedi, her father is a Jedi, she may well be a Jedi. Remember the first rule of Space Piracy: Psychic Powers are bad Mojo. Avoid anyone with a glowing brain.
So why not give up your life of crime, Space Pirate, and woo the girl the old fashioned way?
Either defeat her in a sword duel while she is in her nightgown
Or destroy the evil robot menacing her with your trusty .45’s and your power to cloud men’s minds. Most married couples I know met during evil robot rampages.
On the other hand, Space Princesses, in order to shed the excess heat created by the insulating effects of hard vacuum, often dress in skimpy outfits with big hats:
So think carefully and make your choice. Which Space Princess would you choose?
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
