Any Sufficiently Advanced Technology from Maklu IV
I am cautiously hopeful about the upcoming IRON MAN talkie.
Cautious–because I remember BATMAN RETURNS and SUPERMAN IV: QUEST FOR PEACE.
It is not that those movies were bad. Okay, I take it back, they were bad. Oh, for the invention of the Memory Wipe Machine, so I can free up brain cells occupied by this goo, and memorize something useful, like the description in GALACTIC PATROL of a space-axe (“It was the combination, refinement, and sublimation of a maul, mace, axe, bludgeon and lumberman’s pickaroon…”) or the names of all the The Shadow’s agents (Shreevy the cab driver, Harry Vincent, Burbank, Monk Mayfair… no wait, Monk is Doc Savage…)
Hopeful—because, a man whose goal in life is to be as easy to entertain as a child, I was perfectly pleased, nay, I was goofy with delight, over both SPIDERMAN III: Spidey Fights His Underwear, and over PIRATES OF THE CARB BEAN III: What’s The Point of the Business With the Rock Crabs? Both of these were type-in-all-caps levels of filmy fun.
Look like good enough reasons to me. For example, point 5. Iron Man will dogfight with F-22 fighter jets!
“Can Spider-man battle the U.S. Air Force with those web balls of his? No. Can Wolverine, for all of his screw-the-worldness, take on heat-seeking missiles with mere adamantium claws? Don’t think so. There’s only one man, one iron-clad man to be exact, who can trade blows with fighter jets and still have the energy afterwards to stroll down to the corner pub and order a double shot of Jamison Irish whiskey. Iron Man.”
Cool beans.
Brooks also point out reason number 3 to be excited:Mandarin is the villain!
The Mandarin! The Mandarin is to Ming the Merciless and Fu Manchu as Hawkeye is to Green Arrow and Robin Hood: in other words, a pretty good Marvelization of an other guy’s idea. But pretty good for Marvel is Marvelicious, True Believer!
“Iron Man vs. Mandarin will be a smack down of mythic proportions. The last time we saw such a powerful protagonist was General Zod in Superman II, and old General “Kneel before me Son of Jor-el!” Zod was a tad fruity if you ask me.
“In X-Men 3 the U.S. Government was the prime enemy of mutants with its “X” gene cure. Boring. In Spider-man 3, Peter Parker faced a black suit that made him… umm… dance. Yeah, dance. The Fantastic Four are facing some weirdo on a surf board this summer (cowabunga dude!). And in 2006, Superman’s main foe was a giant rock made of Kryptonite. Yes, a giant rock.
“Mandarin, meanwhile, is a descendent of Genghis Khan (or so he claims), a master of science and mathematics who possess ten magical rings that give him powers even Supes would envy. Mandarin can emit a shot capable of destroying the bond between atoms and molecules with his “Disintegration Beam.” And that’s just with the ring on his right ring finger.”
He can also karate chop through Iron Man’s armor, which is a dumb idea, even for comics, unless he is actually using a force field from the combination of his Impact Beam and Matter Re-arranger. Boy, I really wanted a matter Re-Arranger ring when I was younger, by which I mean, last week. Why buy my wife a new lawnmower, if I could use my Matter Re-Arranger on the front lawn and turn it into a pair of giant stone hands to grapple and kill my arch-foe?
( My wife comments: “Dear, you don’t have an arch-foe.” Oh yeah? Well, what about John Scalzi? “Dear, I thought you LIKED John Scalzi?”
Well, he WOULD be my arch-foe if I tried to take over the world and he put on a suit of power armor and stopped me. That could happen.
“John Scalzi cannot be your arch-foe, dear.” Why not? “Because John Scalzi is the arch-foe of Scott Westerfeld The Pluto-hater. You’re on his side.” Ph’nglui! You’re right!! … but I still want that Matter Re-Arranger ring.)
Who does not want ten magic rings to commit supercrimes and restore China to her ancient and well-merited glory? Thing about how cool a magic ring is. Now multiply that by ten.
(Yes, yes, fanboy, I know that they are not actually MAGIC rings per se, but I will quote Arthur C. Clarke’s famous dictum at you: any sufficiently advanced technology from the dragon-people of planet Maklu IV resting in a crashed spaceship in the long hidden and terror haunted Valley of the Dragons in China, is indistinguishable from magic.)
(( Good golly, I did not even need to google the name of the alien planet from which the Mandarin’s ring-tech comes. Maybe I don’t need the Memory Wipe Machine to free up brainspace after all. Or maybe I need it more desperately. What date is my wife’s birthday again? ))
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
