Tell the Matrosses to Fire the Guns! Let the Bells Ring!

I hereby decree throughout the Holy Pan-Galactic Johannine Empire that, on this day, planets and macrostructures such as ringworlds and Dyson spheres, slated for terracide are hereby reprieved; no globe is to be sprayed by radioactive isotopes by the Imperial Star Fleet.

Any intelligent machines larger than Jupiter scheduled from devastining into pre-Godlike intellectual topologies due to nonpayment of debt shall receive an additional thousand years grace period before their creditors may act.

The ignition of stars into supernovae is suspended for a period of ninety years if any inhabited worlds are within the anticipated radiation zone, or intelligent machine-worlds that score above an equivalent I.Q. of 1,000,000,000.

Any Informational Entities, either independently or collectively occupying the DataCosm shall be granted an extra 400 nanoseconds of virtual existence, provided the Royal Academy of Electronic Life certifies the Meme to be no danger to Our Imperial Throne, Our Officers, Church, Navy, or Intellectual Systems.

All uplifted species within less than one hundred years of achieving the repayment of the racial apprenticeships are forgiven the remaining years, and granted full suffrage, with the exception of Space Monkeys, whom it is Our Imperial Pleasure to condemn. Hate those Space Monkeys, especially Blip and Gleek.

The eating of intelligent animals, including Space Ducks, is hereby suspended.

Those star-systems and globular clusters which have been thrust into the Negative Zone for nonpayment of taxes shall be returned to normal timespace.

Certain political prisoners shall be released: any immortal superbeings trapped in the cores of Black Holes, if the causes or pretenders they supported are no longer remembered by the Curator of the Infinite Museum, may be released on probation into an area of timespace where translightspeed travel and time travel are impossible.

Time Travelers, Visionaries and Prophets, presently on the surface of any neural-pain amplifying torment-world of the Galactic Johannine Inquisition, shall be allowed to blot out up to sixty hours of their most disquieting memories, with the exception that, those Time Travelers who come from the remote future, and claim that one day Flash Gordon will ally with my daughter Aura and overthrow my imperial reign, shall not be so allowed.

It is furthermore Our Imperial Pleasure to degree that any star-crusader who takes up arms to fight the Pluto-Hatahs, those verminous and saucy heretics who dare claim Pluto, also known as Yuggoth-On-The-Rim, is not a planet, shall, if their oath of Crusade is fulfilled, be pardoned of all debts and interest, and be granted a plenary indulgence for all sins of commission and omission, or historical revisionism against the Seldon Plan. They shall also be allowed to wear the Red Cross on their arms and livery, or else the Imperial Tee-Shirt of the “Two-Thumbs-Up Smilin’ Emperor” design.

So let it be written! In the name of the Sleeping God of the Crypt, so let itbe done!

And let the earth-girl Dale Arden be washed and appropriately silked and perfumed and adorned and sent to our personal Love Palace on the Pleasure Planet, there to await Our Royal Attention!