Klavan Reports On Kavanaugh Hearings Day One
As a public service, we here reprint this live report from the floor of the Senate building, from our ace reporter and supreme overlord of the multiverse, Andrew Klavan, know to history as Andrew the Bald. For more reporting of this type, please see https://www.dailywire.com/authors/andrew-klavan
Kavanaugh Hearings Day One
by Andrew Klavan
Note: In case it’s not painfully obvious below, this is satire.
The first day of Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing provided Americans a chance to hear arguments from Republicans and Democrats alike.
On the Republican side, Senator Orrin Hatch put forward the view that Kavanaugh is a constitutional originalist who would judge each case according to its legal merits.
On the Democrat side, Senator Dianne Feinstein set her hair on fire and ran around in circles making a squawking noise like a scalded chicken before she threw her skirt over her face and sobbed violently until she exploded, hurling gory fragments of herself in all directions.
On the Republican side, Senator Chuck Grassley said Kavanaugh would help lead the judiciary away from a legislative role and thus return the country to the rule of law.
On the Democrat side, a mob of villagers wearing Tyrolean hats and carrying torches stormed the capital screaming “Give us the monster!” while Senator Kamala Harris stood above them on a rock shouting, “Fly, fly, my evil ones, and unleash your hellish rage against those who would destroy your satanic right to tear the children from your womb and sell their body parts for cash,” after which Senator Harris transformed herself into an enormous lizard-like creature with leathery wings and flew up into the air clutching the souls of the unbaptized in her dripping fangs — which insiders say may provide an early clue to the 2020 Democratic presidential platform.
On the Republican side, Senator John Cornyn began to remark that court appointments should not be subject to mob rule, but never finished the sentence because Democrat Senator Cory Booker clutched him by the throat, screaming, “Everyone who does not agree with me must die!” before he was finally brought down by Capitol police firing silver bullets from a pistol blessed by a Gypsy woman.
The hearings continue today with Republicans filing a written statement declaring Kavanaugh to be qualified and Democrats filing a wordless shriek of anguish that echoes up from beneath the Senate floor and dies away to nothingness in the shocked silence that follows.
Your government at work.
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
