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The Fifty Essential Authors of Science Fiction

Posted January 31, 2012 By John C Wright

A reader unwisely asked me to list what I consider the essential authors of science fiction. My only qualification to answer is that I am an enormous fan of the genre, and by ‘enormous’ I mean, of course, obese.

On the other hand, as G.K. Chesterton once famously observed, even a bad shot is dignified when he accepts a duel. Having disqualified myself to answer, let us first, as befits a philosopher, examine the question before attempting to answer.

Let us first say what the question is not. I was not asked my personal favorites: those should be obvious enough from my own writing, which steals shamelessly from, er, I mean, pays homage to writers who shaped my imagination: A.E. van Vogt, Olaf Stapledon, Poul Anderson, Keith Laumer, Roger Zelazny, Jack Vance, H.P. Lovecraft, William Hope Hodgson, Cordwainer Smith, Ayn Rand, E.E. ‘Doc’ Smith, G.K. Chesterton, C.S. Lewis. If you read what I write, you can tell who I like. If you do not read what I write, then why are you reading this essay? There are also authors I admire, but I cannot steal from them because I lack the skill to copy them: Gene Wolfe and J.R.R. Tolkien.

The question is also not about the historical impact of the books discussed. It is not a list of award winners. It is a list of books which I think every devoted science fiction reader should read in order to understand where his favorites fit into the grand scheme of things.

It is embarrassing to wax enthusiastic over some science fictional idea, such as that all the life around us may be an illusion as in the film THE MATRIX, only to discover the idea has been done better earlier (as in the film DARK CITY) and is indeed a tried and true, if not shopworn, trope of the genre, as old as NIGHT OF DELUSIONS by Keith Laumer, THE THREE STIGMATA OF PALMER ELDRITCH by Philip K. Dick, ‘They’ by Robert Heinlein, WORLD OF NULL-A by A.E. van Vogt, or even ALICE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS by Lewis Carroll.

Contrariwise, it is fascinating to see where certain tales are specific answers to other tales from earlier in the genre, even a rebuttal. The metaphor I propose is that all science fiction books that rise above mere space adventure yarns are attempting to take part in a generations-long conversation about the basic ideas that define the genre. Unlike spoken conversation, the Long Talk takes place at book length, or at least short story length.

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Science Fiction and Simon the Magician

Posted January 26, 2012 By John C Wright

Let me propose a rather long essay and a slightly droll theory:

The aliens behind the Monolith in Arthur C. Clarke’s 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY are the same as the aliens signaling from Vega in Carl Sagan’s CONTACT. They both are part of the Galactic Overmind seeking the evolutionary transcendence of all life, and to elevate lesser races to maturity, as in CHILDHOOD’S END, also by Clarke.

On a less droll note, I am proposing that these works, and several others, are similar in their mood and theme and treatment of the plot elements, because they tacitly agree on a central myth.

It is a mythic thread that runs through much of science fiction from even before the golden age, and, if I am right about what this thread is, back two thousand years and more. Van Vogt and Heinlein and Asimov have all placed at least some of their stories in the service of this myth, the Great Myth.

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Shout Out to the Latter Day Saints

Posted January 26, 2012 By John C Wright

If there are any readers, Mormon or otherwise, who fret that serious and sober debate seen in this space in weeks erenow with Mormons over theological questions will dim my high opinion of the LDS Church, I ask you not to fret.

Let me tell you my experience with Mormons.

Once upon a time, my middle son flushed a toy down the toilet, and the toy, with a power far beyond that of ordinary toys, managed not only to clog the pipe running under my front yard, but break the pipe during the attempt to remove it, so that my front tree had to be hewn down as if my the cruel Orcs of Orthanc, and all my yard ripped up and despoiled.

Next, the Home Owners Association sent a legal notice saying we had to restore the lawn to good and proper condition forthwith, or face legal penalties. At this point in time my wallet had moths in it, and echoes, but no money. I could not hire a landscaper no do the work myself.

My wife prayed to her God (I was an atheist at the time) and within the same day, two young men, dressed soberly, and with good manners, approached her and said that they were walking the neighborhood looking for good works to do. At first she thought of turning them away, but then realized they were an answer to prayer.

Since they were conservatively and soberly dressed, and spoke politely, and had a shining of grace and good favor about their faces, I knew at once that they were either Agents of the Machine from the movie THE MATRIX or that they were elders from the Church of Latter Day Saints.

I think their names were Elder Younger and Elder Kidd, but let me not be too droll on that point.

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Stats

Posted January 25, 2012 By John C Wright

One of my readers asks for some evidence that the sexual revolution has led to the various social pathologies which mar the modern age.

I hope I can be forgiven for treated the request rather lightheartedly, because I am sure that if that reader merely speaks to his grandmother, he will have a sufficient basis of evidence to make up his mind on the issue.

I hope we can agree, in the abstract, that marriage was instituted for the purpose of preventing the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, for promoting domestic felicity, and for securing the maintenance and education of children. The sexual revolution, by promoting fornication and adultery and divorce, decreases the sanctity and the frequency of marriage, and increases the rate of divorce.

Statistically, the best indicator that a couple will end in divorce is if they begin by cohabiting without marriage.

Statistically again, the best indicator that a spouse will commit adultery is premarital sex. In other words, even if fornication were not blameworthy in and of itself, fornication would still be a warning sign telling prospective mates to look elsewhere for marriage partners.

The relationship between adultery and divorce is plain enough, since this is the prime and classical cause for divorce.

Hence, taken these finding together, we see that the sexual revolution by promoting fornication and cohabitation also promotes adultery and divorce. So far in the argument, I make no claim as to cause and effect: I am merely pointing out that the statistics show a correlation.

Divorce and fornication increases the incidence of single mothers raising children which correlates to the number of children from fatherless homes.

Here are some numbers. Children from fatherless homes, according to federal statistics, are

  • 14 times more likely to commit rape,
  • 32 times more likely to run away from home,
  • 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,
  • five times more likely to commit suicide,
  • ten times more likely to abuse chemical substances and
  • 20 times more likely to end up in prison.

And without the widespread use of contraception, the sexual revolution, which is the attempt to make fornication a normal and socially accepted practice, founders on the imprudence of risking pregnancy. Contraception by design lowers the moral hazard of pregnancy, and this makes the normalization of fornication possible, which in turn correlates to the rise in the social pathologies listed above.

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Mysteries of Science!

Posted January 24, 2012 By John C Wright

Has anyone written an SF story on either of these topics, proposing even an outrageous possible explanation? My reading is not up to date in the field.

I came across this today from SpaceRef (hat tip to Cracked by way of Nate Winchester):

When Europe’s comet chaser Rosetta swings by Earth tomorrow for a critical gravity assist, tracking data will be collected to precisely measure the satellite’s change in orbital energy. The results could help unravel a cosmic mystery that has stumped scientists for two decades.

Since 1990, scientists and mission controllers at ESA and NASA have noticed that their spacecraft sometimes experience a strange variation in the amount of orbital energy they exchange with Earth during planetary swingbys. The unexplained variation is noticed as a tiny difference in speed gained or lost during the swingby when comparing that predicted by fundamental physics and that actually measured after the event.

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What Has Christ To Do With Lycurgus?

Posted January 24, 2012 By John C Wright

Yesterday was a national day of penance and prayer for our nation for the sin of abortion. Just as an reminder of what we are facing, allow me to quote from Plutarch:

Offspring was not reared at the will of the father, but was taken and carried by him to a place called Lesche, where the elders of the tribes officially examined the infant, and if it was well-built and sturdy, they ordered the father to rear it, and assigned it one of the nine thousand lots of land; but if it was ill-born and deformed, they sent it to the so‑called Apothetae, a chasm-like place at the foot of Mount Taÿgetus, in the conviction that the life of that which nature had not well equipped at the very beginning for health and strength, was of no advantage either to itself or the state.

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Of Dames, of Knights, of armes, of loves delight

Posted January 23, 2012 By John C Wright

Not long ago, I read to my boys,  A PRINCESS OF MARS by Edgar Rice Burroughs. I have been told by trusty friends that, like eating the fair unearthly fruit of the perilous realm where the Elfqueen reigns, once a muggle has supped on the viands of geekdom, there is no returning to the mundane world unchanged.

Well, a geekery ever geeker has occured. At their instigation, not of mine, my children wishing to know the tale of whom my middle boy Roland is named, insisted I read to them ORLANDO FURIOSO.

Of course I read from the John Harington translation, which he penned while in exile from the court of Queen Elizabeth, and which, along with the work of Shakespeare and Spencer, helped add the vanish of gilt to the golden age over which the Virgin Queen reigned (once all statues of the Virgin Mary were toppled.)

Naturally, I had to pause to explain every sentence what the Yodi-like contracutions and archaisms meant. But I also had to stop every paragraph to explain the Victorianisms of PRINCESS OF MARS to them, so it was much the same. As often before, I note that the so-called archaic English is note merely fairer and more dignified, but surprisingly more serviceable and precise than our own.  I was frankly baffled how to render into clumsy modern idiom the exact meaning of

You see the faire Angelica is gone,
So soon we lose that earst we fought so sore.

— without saying a line of twice the length.

You see the white and beautiful Angelica is gone,
for we rather quickly have lost the prize for which we were at first so desperately and with such pain  formerly battling.

So, now my boys have stepped beyond even the stars and alien worlds, dark towers and magic rings of science fiction and fairyland, and touched the golden thread of epic, that winds back through all literature and lore unto prehistory, the very vein running straight from the ring finger of Mankind to his mysterious heart!

Even the science fiction crowd will find them odd. My mission as a father is not in vain!

My boys are sophisticated enough that when I describe Angelica the Fair as “the MacGuffin” my eldest objected that she must be “the love interest” since she was a character and not a prop. I challenged him to retain that opinion after I had read the first Book. All the Knights, Christian and Spanish both, chase her like foxes after a bunny, and none gives a tuppence or a tinker’s damn for her wishes in anything.

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The Anti-Life Equation

Posted January 23, 2012 By John C Wright

For those of you who have forgotten, or who were never aware, today is a national day of penance and prayer for the besetting sin of our nation, the atrocity called abortion.

In all the dioceses of the United States of America, January 22 (or January 23, when January 22 falls on a Sunday) shall be observed as a particular day of penance for violations to the dignity of the human person committed through acts of abortion, and of prayer for the full restoration of the legal guarantee of the right to life. The Mass “For Peace and Justice” (no. 22 of the “Masses for Various Needs”) should be celebrated with violet vestments as an appropriate liturgical observance for this day. (General Instruction of the Roman Missal, no. 373)

To date, of the genocides of the modern day, that of Belgium in the Congo is in fourth place, of Russia under Stalin third, American under Roe v Wade second, and China under Mao first place in terms of millions of innocent human beings slain. The exact number of tens of millions you may look up for yourself, dear reader: the soul so soon grows appalled and desolate at the contemplation of the astronomical numbers.

Jew or Muslim or Orthodox or Protestant of any denomination is asked to join in the effort. The evil is beyond human power to cure, any more than cocaine addiction can be cured by a stalwart effort of will by the addict. Once a society tastes the blood of babies, and develops a taste for that blood, the paramount psychological drive in the culture, the mainspring moving everything else, is the craving for denial and self-justification. Whatever needs to be sacrificed of lawfulness, honor, chastity, integrity, or trustworthiness is sacrificed to the cause of selfishness, self-righteousness, and gross intellectual dishonesty: as the success of Political Correctness no doubt testifies.

Any agnostics, skeptics, or atheists of good will who are contemptuous of the cult of the irrational strangling society in its sticky meshes are asked to reflect upon the sources of that irrationality. I submit that the suicidal does not affirm unreason over reason until after he affirms death over life. Anti-life produces anti-mind. Nothing happens for no reason, and the reason which would cause rational souls to embrace unreason must be potent indeed. What other than guilt over destroying one’s own offspring? What other than treason against hope and life and future and everything children represent? Unfortunately, my friendly atheists, you are of no use in the spiritual battle, where the real war takes place. What little gestures can be done on earth, however, will be appreciated and admired joyfully.

For those of you who are praying men, here are some prayers to begin:

A prayer for the unborn

O Heavenly Father, Creator and Giver of all life, Author of justice, Source of love and mercy: Although it is deserving of thine anger and punishment, look with mercy on our nation, which has offended thee by condoning the killing of millions of innocent children, thy precious sons and daughters, who, like all of us, were created in thine image and likeness, but whose only offense was their very existence. Amen.

A prayer for Right to Life

O heavenly Father, strengthen us against the mounting forces of anti-life; enlighten those who walk in this deadly way that they may see the enormity of their sin and return to the generous observance of the divine law. We pray, too, for mothers, that they may prize the great privilege of motherhood; and that they may bring up their children in the holy love and fear of God, thus saving their own immortal souls and furthering the honor and glory of their Maker. Through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Pray for us, St. Gerard, protector of the mother and her unborn child,
that we may be worthy of the promises of Christ!

~~ from “Prayers for Today,” published by Leaflet Missal Co.

Prayer for Life by Pope John Paul II

O Mary, bright dawn of the new world,
Mother of the living,
to you do we entrust the cause of life:
Look down, O Mother, upon the vast numbers
of babies to be born,
of the poor whose lives are made difficult,
of men and women who are victims of brutal violence,
of the elderly and the sick killed
by indifference or out of misguided mercy.
Grant that all who believe in your Son
may proclaim the Gospel of life
with honesty and love to the people of our time.
Obtain for them the grace
to accept that Gospel as a gift ever new,
the joy of celebrating it with gratitude
throughout their lives
and the courage to bear witness to it resolutely,
in order to build,
together with all people of good will,
the civilization of truth and love,
to the praise and glory of God,
the Creator and lover of life.

~~ Pope John Paul II
Encyclical Letter “The Gospel of Life”
Given in Rome, on March 25,
the Solemnity of the Annunciation of
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Standing Ovation Supressed by Minitrue

Posted January 22, 2012 By John C Wright

I have not closely been following the political race here in America. My first impression is one of disgust toward all the candidates except for Rick Santorum.

But first impressions can be swayed. I admit that Mr Gingrich gained back the smallest possible increment of my good will that he lost when he slandered venture capitalism when I heard of these remarks.

These remarks prompted a standing ovation, which was not reported in any major news outlet covering the debates. We can no longer call then news media: they are the Ministry of Truth from Orwell. I myself only heard about it through new media sources.

 

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Recommending G.K. Chesterton

Posted January 21, 2012 By John C Wright

From time to time readers like to know who the authors they read read. In my case, it is utterly transparent, since I make no influence to hide from whom I am stealing.

But in one case it is not, for some authors are inimitable. One such is G.K. Chesterton.

Allow me here to list my favorite of his works. What are you in the mood for?

Poetry?

Religion?

Intrigue?

Mystery?

Politics?

History?

A SHORT HISTORY OF ENGLAND? http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/A_Short_History_of_England

Essays?

Biography?

  • ST THOMAS AQUINAS THE DUMB OX http://wikilivres.info/wiki/St._Thomas_Aquinas:_The_Dumb_Ox

Science Fiction?

This last book yes indeed is science fiction, for it takes place in the far future year of 1984, but unlike every other science fiction book, it specifically derides the entire enterprise. The opening is priceless:

“THE human race, to which so many of my readers belong, has been playing at children’s games from the beginning, and will probably do it till the end, which is a nuisance for the few people who grow up. And one of the games to which it is most attached is called, “Keep to-morrow dark,” and which is also named (by the rustics in Shropshire, I have no doubt) “Cheat the Prophet.” The players listen very carefully and respectfully to all that the clever men have to say about what is to happen in the next generation. The players then wait until all the clever men are dead, and bury them nicely. They then go and do something else. That is all. For a race of simple tastes, however, it is great fun.”

It gets better from there. Because men of the future believe in evolution, they believe everything should be done by random natural selection and slow gradual change, so they still have the gaslamps and horse-drawn carriages of 1904, but they select their kings by random lottery. Unfortunately, the lot falls on a king whose wild sense of humor demands all the pomp and circumstances and local loyalties and loves of the Middle Ages — and all goes well until a mad genius takes the idea of loving his local neighborhood, in this case the unlovely New Jersey of the Old World, Notting Hill, entirely seriously.

If I had to pick just, I would say read the first story in INNOCENCE OF FATHER BROWN first, then read THE EVERLASTING MAN. By that point you will be aware whether his love of paradox and his vast and jovial wit are too your taste. But do not put him down until you have at least read the first two chapters of MAN WHO WAS THURSDAY.

 

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What Happened Before the Big Bang

Posted January 21, 2012 By John C Wright

From the Atlantic.

For those of you who believe that technological progress cannot exist in the Dark Age, I will point to the following paragraph. We are in a Dark Ages now. He is another exhibit in the case:

Last May, Stephen Hawking gave a talk at Google’s Zeitgeist Conference in which he declared philosophy to be dead. In his book The Grand Design, Hawking went even further. “How can we understand the world in which we find ourselves? How does the universe behave? What is the nature of reality? Where did all this come from? Traditionally these were questions for philosophy, but philosophy is dead,” Hawking wrote. “Philosophy has not kept up with modern developments in science, particularly physics.”

Stephen Hawking proves that, as an amateur philosopher, he is a fine professional physicist.

As a spokesman for the barbarism of the intellect, he is ironically eloquent. Philosophy dead? Say, rather, that reason is dead. Whether true or false, the sentence reflects poorly both on the man who says it and the era of which it is said.
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Judge’s Forced Abortion Order Reversed

Posted January 21, 2012 By John C Wright

Read this little interesting tidbit on ACLJ about the war between Church and Caesar. Draw your own conclusions:

LifeNews.com is reporting that a Massachusetts state judge who ordered that a mentally ill woman have an abortion and be sterilized has been overruled by a state appeals court. The judge’s order declared the pregnant woman, who sufferers from schizophrenia, incompetent and ordered that she have an abortion even if it required that she be “‘coaxed, bribed, or even enticed … by ruse’” to do so.

The woman testified at the trial court hearing that she was “very Catholic,” and when asked about having an abortion, she stated she “wouldn’t do that.” The judge’s order stated that she had “substantial delusional beliefs” and concluded that she would “not choose to be delusional’’ and would have chosen to have an abortion if she were competent.

The appellate court swiftly reversed this abhorrent decision, stating, “The personal decision whether to bear or beget a child is a right so fundamental that it must be extended to all persons, including those who are incompetent.’’ The appellate court’s decision sharply criticized the trial judge: “No party requested this measure, none of the attendant procedural requirements has been met, and the judge appears to have simply produced the requirement out of thin air.”

My comment:

I graduated 235 out of a graduating class of 237 in my lawschool. This tells you two things: first, as a lawyer, I make a darned good science fiction writer. Second, that somewhere in the Commonwealth of Virginia, are two lawyers even worse than I. A staggering thought.

Whether one of those two passed the bar in Massachusetts and became a judge, that I cannot say: although it would explain the fact pattern.

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Speaking of Contraception

Posted January 21, 2012 By John C Wright

The First Amendment now has been interpreted to mean that we churches, missions, lay orders, religious groups and non-profit corporations offering health care insurance to our employees, now have an additional year to comply with federal regulations issued by unelected bureaucrats requiring that we violate our deeply held religious principles.

I kid you not.

A statement by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius:

In August 2011, the Department of Health and Human Services issued an interim final rule that will require most health insurance plans to cover preventive services for women including recommended contraceptive services without charging a co-pay, co-insurance or a deductible. The rule allows certain non-profit religious employers that offer insurance to their employees the choice of whether or not to cover contraceptive services. Today the department is announcing that the final rule on preventive health services will ensure that women with health insurance coverage will have access to the full range of the Institute of Medicine’s recommended preventive services, including all FDA -approved forms of contraception. Women will not have to forego these services because of expensive co-pays or deductibles, or because an insurance plan doesn’t include contraceptive services. This rule is consistent with the laws in a majority of states which already require contraception coverage in health plans, and includes the exemption in the interim final rule allowing certain religious organizations not to provide contraception coverage. Beginning August 1, 2012, most new and renewed health plans will be required to cover these services without cost sharing for women across the country.

After evaluating comments, we have decided to add an additional element to the final rule. Nonprofit employers who, based on religious beliefs, do not currently provide contraceptive coverage in their insurance plan, will be provided an additional year, until August 1, 2013, to comply with the new law.


http://www.creativeminorityreport.com/2012/01/outrageous-hhs-final-rule-catholic.html

It is for this reason that I no longer believe the political Left when they say they believe in the rule of law, the Constitution, or the concept of liberty. The idea of tolerating a Church among you whose precepts you do not share has become unthinkable to among leftists.

If any could answer, I would ask: How can there be peace or compromise between us, or civilization among us, if cannot bring yourselves to leave harmless nonconformists alone?

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Contra Contraception

Posted January 20, 2012 By John C Wright

David Ellis asks:

(quoting me) The experiential part is that a lifelong and very tortuous process of logical reason, requiring the utmost in clear eyed intellectual courage objectivity has lead me, one after another after another, to discover inescapable secular reasons to support all the social teaching of the Church, namely, her opposition to abortion, to euthanasia, to sexual liberation, to sexual perversion, and to contraception.

I had laid out these arguments in excruciating detail in years past, hoping to provoke some interesting counter-arguments. No reader was kind or skilled or patient enough to construct any counter-arguments, or even to raise a single logically valid objection.

You decided contraception was morally wrong prior to becoming a theist? I hadn’t heard that before. What line of reasoning lead you to this conclusion?

——————————————————

I would be delighted to answer this question, if my readers will be patient enough to heed the answer. The reasoning, as I mentioned above, is not straightforward.

Let me open by explaining an anecdote that most strikingly brought the matter to my attention: I was speaking with a friend of mine about the nature and morality of copulation. It was his position that any copulation between two lovers was licit, provided only that no one was harmed nor defrauded. My position at the time was that prudence required copulation be limited to those partners willing to vow lifelong fidelity, forsaking all others. He was a Christian at the time and I was an atheist: the irony here cannot be overlooked. The Christian Sexual Revolutionary was arguing free love to the atheist rationalist arguing strict chastity.

The first thing I noticed was that he and I spoke a different language using a different vocabulary. He used the word “sex” to mean the physical outward stimulation and nothing more. To him, “sex” was something man or woman or both or neither could do, with any number of partners, human or not, either involving the sex organs or not. At one point, I asked him whether there was any relationship, either causal or categorical, between sex and sexual reproduction, and he stared at me in bafflement, as if I had asking him about the relation between cabbages and kings. He said no. Sex was not sex.

At another point, as an excess of rhetoric, I demanded of him what in the act of coupling between man and women was more than merely a pastime? How was it different from a sport, such as mixed doubles tennis, which just so happened to require two members of the opposite sex to play?

To my enduring shock, he took me completely seriously, and answered that the sex act was indeed a sport or pastime and nothing more.

Now, at the time, as I said, I was already convinced of the utility and even (though I did not, being an atheist, use the word literally) the sanctity of marriage, and I have always been convinced of the glory and the beauty of romance.

I have always thought romance, erotic love that leads to true love, transcendentally paramount to human existence, perhaps the most powerful impulse in the human mind. Part of this is due to my background as an attorney and a newspaperman. The two murderers I know both committed their dark crimes over women. Part is due to seeing the effect of happy marriages on those I know: the happiness of a good marriage forms an atmosphere which allows the couple to be fully human, complete rather than alone, and it is like seeing the difference between sickness and health. There is no mistaking it and no pretending it does not exist.

By true love here I mean exactly that. Love that is not false, love that endures and does not betray, love that is not merely lust or infatuation or passing fancy.

My friend’s world view had nothing like erotic romance in it, nothing like true love, and could never have anything like that in it. So he had been, at one stroke, deprived of the most glorious and beautiful thing in human existence; and the closest thing mortals can achieve to the bliss and sanctity of which the fables of heaven spoke.

Thunderstruck, I asked myself who or what could have deprived him of that beauty and that bliss? What could permit such an obviously false to facts belief to develop?

The answer: contraception.

Now, this was merely what got me thinking along these lines. This was not the logic that convinced me.

Here is the logic.

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Entitled to a Good Title

Posted January 19, 2012 By John C Wright

I wrote that I did not intend the title THE HERMETIC MILLENNIA to be interpreted to mean that several thousand-year periods were sealed in an airtight Mayonnaise jar — I admit that, read that way, the title has less punch.

Peirce O writes:

To me it evoked a feeling of some era whose history was so terrible or incriminating to those in power that it had to be sealed away and blotted from the pages of the record books, though, come to think of it, THE MAYONNAISE MILLENNIA has some nice alliteration to it. THE CONCUBINE VECTOR still seems an odd title to me, even though I have the context for it from TRILLION. The publishers need to be sure to put a big starship or other obvious sciffy element on the cover so that I can read it in public without getting funny looks.

I will talk to the art department right away!

Ah! Fortunately, I have the advanced copy of the cover art right here! I find it is exquisitely tasteful:

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